"I need to learn to start doing things for myself and relax a bit. Been doing a lot of soul searching within myself with help from therapy now. I became a single women again in my heart (now the second time with the same man). I told my long time love I wouldn't be the second women in his life, or just a sex pleasure place for him to feel better about with no strings to me. Trying to figure out what happen within me, and why I seem to hold on to the love I have had for this man the last 4-years as to not repeat it again with my next man I before I should start to date, or trust again may take some time least for me.
What I have found out as a women and about myself is, that we tend to over look a lot of things men do or make excuse to or about with relationship with them, so as we don't have to be alone. I know a lot of you may say ...Oh I would never do something like that, because I like who I am more then I like the man I'm dating. Not true I feel then you have not met that one man that can make you do or say things that you look back on and say...Where the hell was my head and what was I thinking, it wasn't loving him for nothing more, what a fool I made of byself to sink so low.. !!
Thinking about it and be honest is what I found I had to do, because I looked back and thought? How did I let myself get to this point in my life? Well it didn't happen over night it was a slow process over time I found I was starting to trust him again and my love for him was still there. Till Last night when he told me in the same breath he missed making love with me and talked about the details of our love making and how he said he never hide the women he was dating now from me, and he was falling in love with her!! Boy was that a slap in the face.Not that he was still in love with me and and wanted to be close to me sexually, but just lets have sex,with no strings!! BUT !! I love someone else but you'll do like a (common whore) Because that was what I miss most about being with you....(Yes this is what I heard him say to me over the phone) Really made me feel like a nobody at that moment I heard him speak.
I told him he had hurt me and I maybe we should not talk ever again after hearing that....GOD!! It hurts so bad to hear those words thru the phone from this man, I thought he loved me as much as I still loved him...I am such a fool to almost agree to have sex with him because I thought he still loved me, but needed some time to trust me again and sort things out with this other women............................ But then came the next phase in this strange thing I did to myself in the name of love!! I thought I could stop it and change time back, to when we were a couple again and no one would know or get hurt! WRONG!!
Don't work like that...Wish it did, but it don't. Then that's when it happens you suddenly figure it out, you were so busy trying to show this man you are in love and want to be a part of their life again. Then by that time it has become to late ...Least it was for me. I was confused because I didn't want to lose him, I thought, when I had already lost him but to stupid to look at myself...
So That day we all wish we never had to have happened, and I and my lover parted ways..I was sad, cried, felt sorry for myself. But I had no one to blame but me, because I allowed it to get to the point it did and I gave control of me away to someone else all in the name of love.
Anyway I had to take a hard look at myself and make me learn to take better control of who I am and what I want in life, I need to keep reminding myself. I am worth loving and any man that I allow into my life will enjoy and be happy I picked him to share my love with, unless I want to be back here where I am coming from today, and I worth a hell of alot more then I gave myself...."
What I have found out as a women and about myself is, that we tend to over look a lot of things men do or make excuse to or about with relationship with them, so as we don't have to be alone. I know a lot of you may say ...Oh I would never do something like that, because I like who I am more then I like the man I'm dating. Not true I feel then you have not met that one man that can make you do or say things that you look back on and say...Where the hell was my head and what was I thinking, it wasn't loving him for nothing more, what a fool I made of byself to sink so low.. !!
Thinking about it and be honest is what I found I had to do, because I looked back and thought? How did I let myself get to this point in my life? Well it didn't happen over night it was a slow process over time I found I was starting to trust him again and my love for him was still there. Till Last night when he told me in the same breath he missed making love with me and talked about the details of our love making and how he said he never hide the women he was dating now from me, and he was falling in love with her!! Boy was that a slap in the face.Not that he was still in love with me and and wanted to be close to me sexually, but just lets have sex,with no strings!! BUT !! I love someone else but you'll do like a (common whore) Because that was what I miss most about being with you....(Yes this is what I heard him say to me over the phone) Really made me feel like a nobody at that moment I heard him speak.
I told him he had hurt me and I maybe we should not talk ever again after hearing that....GOD!! It hurts so bad to hear those words thru the phone from this man, I thought he loved me as much as I still loved him...I am such a fool to almost agree to have sex with him because I thought he still loved me, but needed some time to trust me again and sort things out with this other women............................ But then came the next phase in this strange thing I did to myself in the name of love!! I thought I could stop it and change time back, to when we were a couple again and no one would know or get hurt! WRONG!!
Don't work like that...Wish it did, but it don't. Then that's when it happens you suddenly figure it out, you were so busy trying to show this man you are in love and want to be a part of their life again. Then by that time it has become to late ...Least it was for me. I was confused because I didn't want to lose him, I thought, when I had already lost him but to stupid to look at myself...
So That day we all wish we never had to have happened, and I and my lover parted ways..I was sad, cried, felt sorry for myself. But I had no one to blame but me, because I allowed it to get to the point it did and I gave control of me away to someone else all in the name of love.
Anyway I had to take a hard look at myself and make me learn to take better control of who I am and what I want in life, I need to keep reminding myself. I am worth loving and any man that I allow into my life will enjoy and be happy I picked him to share my love with, unless I want to be back here where I am coming from today, and I worth a hell of alot more then I gave myself...."
